yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
