I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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