Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
