im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
