I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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