I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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