theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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