Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
