Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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