OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
