I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
