Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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