you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
