chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
