I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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