bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize