dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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