so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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