I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
