I will die if light touches me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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