He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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