If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Randomize
