The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize