I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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