My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
