I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
