the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
