Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
