you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
