Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
