you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize