plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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