doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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