just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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