i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize