Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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