I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Randomize
