You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
