I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
