She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
