bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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