i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
babies were throwing up all over the place
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
