Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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