he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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