All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
