when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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