i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
