umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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