Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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