No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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