I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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