i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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