I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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