I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
