I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
