her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize