I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
