Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize