I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
