Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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