dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
