Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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