Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
