i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
